My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
stop calling my apartment porn island.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize