I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
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