At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
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