I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
That was an excessively violent trivia night
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Randomize
