I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Randomize
