Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Randomize
