it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
Randomize
