i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Randomize
