is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Randomize
