I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Randomize
