My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
Randomize
