I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize