Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
Four minutes until I can fart!
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
