Have you finally orgasmed yet?
I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Randomize