Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
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