my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Randomize