You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Randomize