Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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