bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Randomize
