I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
