I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
