I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Randomize
