Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
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