so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
