This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
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