Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Randomize
