im about as happy as oj after his trial
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Randomize
