I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize