He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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