4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Randomize
