I will die if light touches me.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
A+ Viking dick
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
