once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
