i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
