just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
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