He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
I'm always down for nudity.
Randomize
