is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
