You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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