Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Randomize
