Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
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