The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Randomize
