When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
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