im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Randomize
