the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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