She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
