So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Randomize
