Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
