i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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