Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
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