just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
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