There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
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