The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
