i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
