Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
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