So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
