Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Did I show you my penis last night?
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
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