Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
We left the knife in your bed.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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