All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
