Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Randomize
