You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
