i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
