I'll bet she douches with gravy.
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize