1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
