I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Randomize