dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
