I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
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