Weren't you self-described as an 'arab' slut?
No?
Well my cheeks are red now
READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Randomize
