I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
